In the big picture, there are more births than deaths.
I know that.
But in my picture there are way more endings than beginnings.
It seems like life is one long series of losses until you are ready to give up and go yourself.
My mother was not doing too well anymore when her last best friend died. After that she shut down and soon followed her friend.
I can see how that goes. The day comes when you just have lost enough. You go because there is no one left to go before you, or the ones alive better not go before you. Because you could not take that.
I was thinking that rather than sitting here looking back on the losses, one should go out and make a bunch of new beginnings. But that is not quite so easy.
Some things are over for good.
For various reasons there will be no new man in my life. Love is not an option anymore.
Though I didn’t want children and have no regrets, that chapter is closed too.
That dream of a happy future has been replaced with the future. It’s not a bad future; actually, it’s a pretty good future. Above all, it’s the future of my making. But this is it. This is where I will die. I’m cruising — in style — to my grave.
The best I can do is have fun on the road there.
If people and animals would just quit dying on me.
Yeah, I can get a new puppy a year. More chickens. More chicks. More pigeons and bunnies and guinea pigs. I’m tied down now. I can’t get tied down any more.
But at least with dogs it’s a selfish act. Getting more and neglecting the ones you have is not the way to go. So the puppy-new-beginning is not an option either.
What other Beginnings are there?
I can take a class and learn something new. I do that constantly without taking classes. Technology makes you stay alert and learn. And I do enjoy learning new skills.
I can take up karate or mountain climbing. Or some other way to make time unpleasant.
I can make new friends. Who will die. Or get sick, and in general add to the misery.
Or I can drop this for today and come back when I’m in a less morose state of mind.
Best to lose myself in art and writing. Activities where I forget myself, forget time, forget to eat. Go into the zone.